What do you do when you don’t know what to do? This is a serious question. How are we supposed to navigate through life when we don’t know what is more important for our well being: stability, where we live a life of comfort and ease because we play the game we need to in order to keep playing the game? Or fulfillment, where you don’t know what the journey will look like or even where the map is but you have the opportunity to feel the most vibrant, colorful, version of yourself that you’ve felt in a decade? Is it better to be safe and know what’s around the corner but living in a haze of all the things you were told you should be or feeling like finally feel a purpose to life? WWMTS – What Would My Therapist Say? 

God, the sensation of finally remembering who you are and feeling like yourself again is  an intoxicating feeling. It’s crazy how easy it is to slip into a perspective focused on keeping up rather than who you are and how you want to engage with the world around you. But who am I to complain because wah you were able to afford college and grad school and are working some fancy shmancy tech job in the industry you wanted and get paid enough to pay for the house you have. Does my privilege make my personal dilemma any less meaningful? WWMTS. 

What if I quit my job and I fail royally and burn all of my savings instantly by continuing to spend money on things i don’t need, and eating out, and wine, and weed, and oat milk for my lattes, and all the equipment for a new hobby that i’ve convinced myself that is my next passion and then tire of it like i do all the other times i’ve decided i’m going to be this or that? What if I don’t tire of it but i’m not good at it or no one buys any of my pieces and I don’t make any money and am completely broke. What if that happens and F loses his job and we can’t pay our bills and we have to move in with our parents because the only way we can make any money is renting out our house? That I think is the worst case scenario. If that happens I better fucking like and be really fuckign good at it, for it to have cost all that and my sense of identity and self. How weird is that, that there’s an identity and a self but somehow I don’t think they’re one in the same. I see identity as who others see me as, and self being how I see myself. Identity:rising sign, self:moon sign. But again, I’m sitting on a lot of relative systemic privilege, and millions have it way worse and still manage to “get by”, so is there any excuse for me not to make it work enough to avoid that worst case scenario? WWMTS. 

I feel like the universe is trying to talk to me right now. No fuck that, I know she has me in a little snow globe and shaking shit all around me to try to get my attention to tell me something. She’s telling me what to do. People make shit happen when they believe in the vision so completely that that’s the only possible path forward. Maybe this is that moment where it all begins? 

I began my self discovery journey about 10 months ago. But i Started my job 13 months ago. Of course i’m going to feel differently about it than when i first started, when so much about and around me has changed. 

The last 10 months have led me here. Where I finally see myself with immense clarity. I crave to be the woman I know I can be. Someone who leans into her creativity to provide for herself. That girl has always been here, but shes been buried under millions of layers of should-sediment. The last 10 months i’ve been chip, chip, chipping away at the rock that has formed over time and pressure, and finally, after all this time, we’ve finally hit bedrock. 

So. What do you do when you don’t know what to do? It’s easy. Just do what you know you need to do.