No one ever makes it clear enough just how goddamn long the healing journey takes. It’s so long that for most of it you believe it’s a lie; a yellow brick road to nowhere. But then one day, ever so subtly, some rather innocuous thought or automated response occurs where it hits you – the reaction is different, new. Growth feels foreign and often uncomfortable. You begin to question everything because you understand nothing. This is the awkward and impatient space between your old self and new. Don’t give up now; it takes time to adjust to this new world you have fought for.

Once you start to feel the rewards of healing, you then start a new phase of your journey where you begin to learn how to trust yourself. Like a baby fawn who falls after their first time standing, you wonder how the hell you’re going to make it all the way up again. You’re exhausted and you’ve fallen so far. But somehow, by some perceived miracle, you do. You stay on this path for a while; riding through the peaks and valleys of feeling the liberating sensation of believing in yourself then later finding yourself falling back into self-loathing armor you designed years ago. This is where the real magic happens. Keep going. KEEP GOING, GODDAMNIT. This is the journey. You are not alone. Whatever you do, please just keep going. 

I’ve started equating the self healing journey to the stock market (when in capitalism!). There are going to be ups and downs. That is inevitable. But when you stay on the ride, when you continue to show up for and invest in yourself, months or even years later, you’re going to realize how far you’ve come. When you realize how far you’ve come, you realize you are no longer the same person you were before. 

No. This person is someone who fought for herself. Someone who exerted the tireless efforts of looking inward and acknowledging where they were and recognizing it as a place in which they no longer wanted to be tethered. Someone who made a decision by and for themselves. 

So here you are, on your own journey. One step at a time and over the course of many, many months, you slowly begin to transcend. While still deeply flawed, as is unavoidable in these human bodies of ours, you see more. Your field of vision expands. You no longer rely on the opinions of others as a guidepost for your journey, because you have found yourself. You can now hear your voice and listen to your gut. You’ve developed a degree of trust in yourself that knows you will inevitably make mistakes but also trusts that, when that time comes, you’ll be able to stand back up. As my king Kendrick Lamar would say, “look in the mirror, there go your hero.”